The Anxious Optimist

The older I get, the more I understand and accept that I am flawed, often untethered, and in constant need of refinement. I am so grateful that we have a Father who pursues us even when we don’t know we are running off course. He leads us to balance when we get outweighed by the grind of daily living.

A while back, I remember having two consecutive days at work that were stellar days. The interactions with my students were top notch, conversations with colleagues were meaningful, productivity was off the charts, and I had a pep in my step. I have a friend who refers to these as “cape days” where the superhero in us is soaring with our cape waving behind us with pride, joy, and accomplishment on display. I love cape days.

Inexplicably, in the middle of the week, immediately following these two days of heroism and unbridled motivation, I found myself deflated. The cape was wrinkled and flat against my back. It dragged behind me like a wet mop. I could not figure out how with one setting of the sun, I lost my swagger. I did not have it in me to fulfill a purpose. I had no pep talk that was going to reestablish my mood. While I know it is unrealistic to think that every day will be a cape day, I wanted more consistency and quicker recognition when my emotional, physical, & spiritual states were going to go on strike.

I began to pray asking God to guide me toward redirection, specifically redirecting a mind like mine that tends to get consumed by insignificant influences. I admittedly often allow a conversational comment, a social media post, a text (in which I inevitably infer tone that does not exist), or an awkward interaction plant a seed of doubt in my mind related to who I am or how I am going about something. It is an insecurity issue. I worry how I came across to someone or question why they approached me in a certain way. That comes with being emotional and sensitive. While those can serve as fuel to my flame and be a strength, they can also be a weakness. So, on this lackluster mid-week sink hole I found myself in, I knew I had to do some self-reflection. My cape was flying just 24 hours ago. Something had started to interfere with the path I had been on at the beginning of that week detouring me from my intended outcome. Detours lead to readjustment in navigation. By definition, a detour is a deviation from a direct course or the usual procedure especially; a roundabout way temporarily replacing part of a route.

Sometimes I realize the exact moment a detour began for me. Other times, like this sink hole of a Wednesday I have been referring to, I was at a loss for how I got off track. I am coming to understand that a very sly, methodical approach of Satan to drive us away from peace and into chaos is that of the undetected detour. Bit by bit, the enemy changes the road signs, creates obstacles, and traffic ensues. Or in other cases, we voluntarily go off-roading.

As someone who does not have an internal compass for directions as an actual driver, I will tell you that getting lost is stressful for me. If it were not for my GPS, I would never get out of my neighborhood. Following navigational directions, geography in general, and grasping the overall layout of my surroundings are not areas where I flourish. Being lost or without directional guidance in my mindset produces the same outcome as being lost as a literal driver. I become uneasy, anxious, and induced with stress when I get off the course I was supposed to be following.

I came across Psalm 119:8 (MSG) and it stuck with me like gum on a shoe.

It reads, “You’re blessed when you stay on course, walking steadily on the road revealed by God. You are blessed when you follow His directions, doing your best to find Him. That is right – you do not go off on your own; you walk straight along the road He set. You, God, prescribed the right way to live; now you expect us to live it. Oh, that my steps might be steady, keeping to the course you set; Then I would never have any regrets in comparing my life with your counsel. I thank you for speaking straight from your heart; I learn the pattern of your righteous ways. I am going to do what you tell me to do.”

We are living in a world of overstimulation and prone to distraction. There are days where the enemy launches a full-on attack. There are also days where he does not have to work too hard to derail us. Considering our current cultural climate, Satan knows we do a decent job on our own getting off task and volunteering to be distracted. It is no secret that we are inundated with information from our very waking moment. Our daily lives are blasted with alerts, notifications, alarms, ringtones, and updates. This is not my attempt to blame social media and technology for all known problems. I would be amiss, however, to not acknowledge the part it can play in causing us to lose sight of the daily course we should be on as the minutes and hours unfold.

A few months ago, I found myself in a concerning pattern that I did not even realize I had created. That is how habits form. One day you do something and then the next and before you know it, you do it every day. Remember earlier when I mentioned that Wednesday where nothing seemed to go right. The cape was no longer flying. I felt emotional. I was cranky. Anxiety was taking hold of my thoughts. A few days after that, I felt compelled to analyze how my week had been. Why did it veer so off track? I made a list of things I had done that were beneficial and helpful to my having a good, productive day in which my moods were stable, smiles were achievable, and thoughts were balanced…the cape days. Then, I made a column of things I did that could have contributed toward my week getting off course. It was on that list where I had to face some choices I made. I wrote several things down.

These are the ones that made me stare at the page:

1. Woke up too late as a result of going to bed too late
2. Looked at Facebook & Instagram before I even got out of bed
3. Did not have anything readily available for breakfast
4. No time to actually look up and look around at my blessings
5. Irritated at cluttered car

Satan really does not have to do a lot sometimes to get us to take a detour. The Lord has given us a brain to use both logically and creatively. The logic part is where we mess up. We ignore logic. When the application of logic and common sense is ignored, we lose our grip of the wheel. I set myself up for failure when I decided that my body could function on 5 to 6 hours of sleep. I made it clear to myself and to the Lord my priorities when I did not speak to Him and thank Him for another morning that He has granted me. Instead, I needed to look at a screen. I assumed my brain and metabolism could go full throttle with no nourishment. I walked to my car with belongings in tow on the way to work without so much as a glance to how lovely the weather was or that my rose bushes had started blooming. I was irritated before I turned the key to my ignition because my car was so incredibly cluttered and dirty. I was the one who had not taken the time to clean and organize it. I was allowing the chaos to happen. I was purposefully putting a target on my back for the enemy to tackle me while vulnerable and ill-armed.

I decided to be intentional and made some changes in the week that followed. On Sunday evening, I went to bed when my daughter went to sleep. It was 8:30 pm. I allowed my tired body and mind to rest. I woke up the next few mornings thanking the Lord for the day, greeting Him, and praying for my family, friends, and students. I chose to not look at my phone until after I had showered and eaten some breakfast, which I prepared the night before so it would be available for me when I came downstairs. I found myself ready for my daughter and I to walk out the door to begin our day and I looked around my front yard. It has rained the night before and everything was so green and full of life. I told my daughter to go stand in front of the roses. I took her picture as she did various poses and we laughed. Then, looking at the clock, I realized that I was about 15 minutes ahead of schedule. I grabbed a trash bag and began to tidy up my car and bring a few items into the house that belonged there and not in my impromptu vehicular storage container. On the way to school where my daughter attends and I teach, we cranked up some worship music and sang loudly. I grabbed my daughter’s hand at a stoplight and we prayed for our day. When we rolled into school, we were both of a happy countenance and had clearly connected with the Lord on several levels. With these few adjustments, I corrected course. I re-established my path. Those changes made a difference for myself and for my daughter.

We cannot continue to relegate blame for our valley moments when we made choices that took us off the mountaintop. So, in many cases, I deviated from my daily course because I made decisions that displaced my pursuits.

I found that my attitude was purchasing a one-way ticket with the expectations of a round trip result. I took myself to the valley. I had to correct my course and start climbing once again.

One of Christ’s own followers, Peter, serves as an exemplary model of self-sabotage through distractions and poor choices. In Matthew 14, Peter and the disciples were in a boat with Jesus during a tumultuous storm. Jesus appeared to them as the storm raged and saw they had much fear in their eyes. Jesus told Peter to come and walk on the water with Him and to not be afraid. Peter began taking his first steps with his focus on Jesus, not on the storm around him. Jesus was truth. Jesus was life. Jesus was the navigation in which to follow.

But in Matthew 14:30, Peter made a choice…a choice to believe circumstance over the Savior. The Bible states, “Peter saw that the wind was boisterous, he was afraid and began sinking, crying out to the Lord to save him.”

Peter got off course.

Peter was walking on water until he became distracted by the wind around him. That distraction planted a seed of worry and doubt. That seed grew instantaneously in the perilous surroundings leaving Peter with no foreseeable options other than to give in to the stress. Peter became anxious. Peter lost his cape. Peter lost His light. Peter’s distraction made him sink.

The enemy’s ultimate goal is to make sure we are so distracted with our feelings, our imperfections, our insecurities, and our frustrations that we do not create room or space for God’s purpose and pathway to be our priority.

We are of a human nature. The question is not IF we are going to get off course. It is more of WHEN. And, HOW. Also, for HOW LONG. We must be prepared to course correct. Recognizing our actions and surroundings is key. The cape stops flying behind you and I because we stop moving in the direction we are supposed to be moving. I am striving to be more aware of my actions and reactions. I understand that no day is perfect, but every day exists because of a perfect God. If I allow Him to lead me, correcting my course when needed won’t seem like an uphill battle, rather a quick adjustment. Consistency with my choices and intentionality with my responses will lead to awareness and positive functionality. Let us continue to reflect on those words in Psalms. You, God, prescribed the right way to live; now you expect us to live it. Oh, that my steps might be steady, keeping to the course you set.

When approached by my daughter, in all her 6-year-old excitement and whimsy, asking about joining a new extra-curricular activity, I smiled and added it to my list to see about it. I love lists. For non-list makers, I know that the simple idea of bullet points or check boxes seem rigid or unnecessary, even soul crushing. But, for those of us who thrive in the planned out day, lists are our call to victory. I make lists, color code lists, cross off lists. I heart the bullet feature on my Word document. It makes me feel that things are right with the world. Even now, I want to make a list explaining why lists are amazing. I will refrain, but it would have been an epic list to be certain.

It was after Thanksgiving when my little girl asked about this activity. It was a small commitment, a one day a week, right after school, jazz & tap dance class. I called the instructor, whom we knew, and inquired about when classes start up, costs, and so forth. She told me that in order for Em to be in the summer recital, she would need to start ASAP. Whew! Those letters…A-S-A-P. They trigger my anxiety. While I would say I work well under pressure because I am good at multi-tasking, I will also take the stance that when pressed with any type of deadline that feels unexpected, I can retreat into untethered territory. I like plans. I like planning. Refer back to my love of lists.

Everyone knows that December is a busy month. Being a major lover of Christmas, I find most activities delightful and I enjoy the hustle and bustle of the holidays.  It is, however, a lot to take on especially being an educator with end-of-semester deadlines and being the mommy of a little one who has activities and parties and so forth. But, still, I transition into the Christmas season with ease. I have my Santa spiral notebook and my planner (my prized possession) everywhere I go. I won’t miss a beat. And yet, ASAP…those letters ring out with an ear piercing demand. I knew that it would be a bit of overload to try to begin classes in December, to pay for those classes during an already pricey month, and doing it all while my husband would be out of town for a job.

I was beginning to stress. Notice that I am intentionally not using stress as a noun. Oh no, for me, when stress happens it is most certainly, undeniably a verb. I read in a medical article that stress is the body’s reaction to any change that requires an adjustment or response.  There has never been a definition with more truth than this for me. My body, my emotions, my overall well-being is affected when I am put in a situation that requires a response that I am not prepared to give. Rather, that situation sits there on my To-Do list as a bullet point mocking me. I felt a sense of urgency to respond to a request that I did not have a response for, or truth be told, a response I felt bad about giving. Starting a new after-school class in December was not going to work for us. I knew that. And yet, I lingered, pondered, paced and thought about it way too much.

The thing is, with stress being an active verb in my life, the trickle down affect is immediate. If I am stressing about one thing, then other items that are unanswered or not properly addressed on my lists seem magnified. And, I once again must balance my optimism and my anxiety.

And so, a few days ago, I found myself in a cranky mood, laying on the couch staring at our beautiful Christmas tree. And, I took a deep breath. I tried my best to be still, to listen, to breath. I know my head gets so busy that it competes with the Holy Spirit’s whisperings.

Psalm 46:5 says, “God is within her, she will not fall.” It continues on in verse 10 stating, “Be still and know that I am God.” Romans 8:28 proclaims, “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.”

My current state wasn’t about this impending dance class, rather it was a bigger issue, as they most always are in our lives. This reaction was about urgency. I felt an urgent call to respond…to have an answer…to reconcile ideas and reality. I had fallen prey to a tactic of the enemy. It is a tactic I should see coming a mile away, but I get caught in the trap more often than I care to admit. I wave the urgent flag. I send the smoke signal. I declare a Code Red. I am not a victim, rather I am the culprit. I walk in a false sense of urgency. I make non-urgent situations urgent. Sometimes the best phrases we can say for our own sound mind is “no,” “not right now,” “at a later time,” or “in the future.” Life is best lived, enjoyed, in a state of bloom when we take on the things we want to do, have time to do, and need to do without putting pressure on ourselves to answer that call to urgency.

I am finding that if I allow my pace to slow down, be still, and savor more moments that the Lord is more accessible to me. He is more accessible not because He was absent, rather I was in urgent mode and had no capacity for His company or His guidance.

My daughter’s dance class was not a Code Red. ASAP does not mean REQUIRED. It simply means that a response is needed soon. And so, I responded. I told the teacher, whom we love, that it would be January before she could start new classes. If that meant Em could not do the summer recital, then that’s ok. She will still have fun on Tuesdays dancing her heart out with lots of wiggles and giggles. If she ends up getting to do the recital, then cool.

Around the same time as what I am now referring to as “DanceGate2019,” I had another pressing matter at hand with a dreaded deadline that required an ASAP for a personal matter that I was trying to participate in come January. As stated earlier, stress can be brought on by a need for a response. Not just any response, but a response that requires URGENT attention. The problem is that I tend to make waterfalls out of raindrops. My husband, a realist and solid pillar of practicality, basically lives his life with the motto of Don’t Rush Me, Just Relax, It Will Get Done, There Is No Need To Panic. Oh how the Lord knew the balance I needed with a partner that is so very different than me in many ways. I thought about how he would handle this situation. He would not find this situation urgent. He would take it as a situation that simply needs a response of yes or no. If it is yes, then, things will fall into place to get the ball rolling. If it is no, then, no further reaction is needed. If in the rare, gray area, it is a maybe, then at the very least it is a no for now. No urgency. Just timeline choices.

Even now, I have unresolved responses…ASAPs looming. But, I am in the midst of learning something very valuable. I have to stop rushing, stop riding the urgent train to Anxietyville, and give things time to marinate, soak, and grow. Some things will be a NO. Some things will be an emphatic YES. Some things will be a delay. But, stamping urgent on situations that have no business falling under the urgent canopy, is not good for one’s mindset.

This morning, I read a small article about Shigeru Miyanoto. You probably don’t know who that is by name recognition. But, Mr. Miyanoto played a very significant role in my childhood and in yours, I’m sure. He is one of the lead designers for Nintendo. He is the inspiration behind Super Mario. We owe much thanks to Mr. Miyanoto. Saving the princess is still one of my major life accomplishments. Mr. Miyanoto was asked about the consumer’s frustration with wanting new games more frequently. They are impatient with development time.

He was quoted saying, “A delayed game is eventually good, but a rushed game is forever bad.”

Today, let’s remember this: Daily life is busy enough and requires much of us without us implementing a false sense of urgency to things that simply require a choice. And, some things will actually work out better in the long run if we ease into them, rather than jump in with both feet. A lazy river will take you downstream eventually, but an angry ocean wave will beat you under the water where it is impossible to breath. Let’s meander a bit. Let’s float. Let’s ride the current. Let’s replace urgency with intentionality, focus, and simplicity. It seems silly that I have to tell myself that the world will not stop turning if I don’t do THIS thing or THAT thing right now…ASAP. It will turn. It will revolve. The sun will rise and it will set. The shift happens when we remember that in between the dawn and the dusk, life is happening and it should be savored and timelines unfolded with care. Let’s change the gear and take a slow ride rather than parading those hazard lights.

Being a person who obviously loves the written word, I in my most nerdy self, have a Thesaurus app on my phone. I am constantly drawn to synonyms and antonyms. I enjoy having options for how I want to say or write something.  When I inevitably looked up the word, URGENT, on my app to view its antonyms, I was surprised, confused even, when one of the options was LIGHT. An opposite word for urgent is light. And, like lightning, it struck me with clarification. When I force non-urgent situations into a state of urgency, I am removing light from my life. I am casting a shadow where open light should flourish and sparkle. So, now I will be telling myself often when faced with an ASAP or with a self-inflicted urgent matter, that light opposes urgency.

 

 

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Recently in the car, I found myself talking my six-year-old daughter down from her high strung emotional ledge connected to some issues she was having with a friend on the playground. I told her “just be nice.” Deep, profound wisdom indeed. Why am I not writing parenting books? That is good stuff. And yet, it is hollow advice. Being a parent makes you think so much harder about things because you need to have solid reasoning behind your words. My daughter called me out on my advice. She told me that being nice “is not so easy to do.” Sure it is. Just be nice. Be kind. She looked at me and said, “I didn’t want to do that today.” I thought – What do you mean? You didn’t want to? You don’t have to want to. You just do it. And then, over those next few miles in the car and in the driveway of our home, thoughts were swirling. You have to want to be kind.

Being kind is not a default built within people. It is not inherently easy. I’ve found that kindness actually requires intentionality at the highest level. I’ve heard people say things like a smile goes a long way or you should never underestimate the power of a simple gesture. I fully agree. But, let’s be clear. Those things are not easy. They are not a basic, auto-generated response. They require effort.  If you are having the best week of your life – the type where everything goes right and blessings are at every corner, then you will undoubtedly smile, sing, skip, and so on. You will ooze positivity. You will feel motivated to go to the nearby field, pick wild flowers, and tell the world that kindness matters. And, I am happy for you. We are all happy for you. The reality is that many, rather most of us, don’t wake up with all good things aligning themselves where stress, exhaustion, fear, or burdens don’t weigh us down in some capacity.

I am an optimistic person…a positive vibe sending kind of girl. I truly look for ways to do nice things for other people. It fills my well. I consider spreading joy and being kind as part of my DNA.  I do, however, have a disclaimer. It may come as a shock to my inner circle. Here it is….the ultimate confession. I can be cranky. I can be moody. I can be anxious. I can be emotional. I can be sullen. I can be unkind. It all depends how much of a priority I make intentional kindness. I have to want to be kind. And, there are some days where, like my daughter, I just don’t want to.

In May of 2010, my husband and I found ourselves on the brink of what would be a barrage of kindness headed our way. Living in Nashville, TN, we owned a lovely town home, I was teaching English & Language Arts, and Rob was beginning his new leap into the career field of Graphic Design. We had recently moved to Nashville and were finding our groove with new friends, surroundings, and a sweet church family. We were both working side jobs as well trying to pay off debt and put some money in savings. And then, we came upon May 1^st. What started as a day of heavy rain turned into 48 hours of torrential downpour which led to what is now recorded as Nashville’s 1,000 year flood. We found ourselves in a beyond overwhelming situation. Our town home was quickly overtaken by water and at one point could only be reached by boat. Our home was destroyed by floodwaters, deeming it unlivable due to the entire bottom floor being under water. In the 24 hours following the flood, kindness came alive for us. We had rarely before this event found ourselves on the receiving end of outreach. We tried to be the ones who helped others. In this moment, we had no say so on where we were to stand on the outreach spectrum. It was the most difficult time we’d experienced as a married couple. It was inexplicably difficult.

What we refer to now as the “Kindness Surge,” began on May 3^rd.  A phone call had been made on our behalf to parents of one of my students. Before we even knew the phone call had taken place, this family had prepared their vacant basement apartment for us to stay in indefinitely until we figured things out. Our friend who made the phone call had arranged for her husband to pick up Rob and travel to our town home by boat to survey the damage and salvage what could be saved. Our church family had been notified of our situation. Being that we lived 45 minutes from our church, we were in the unique position of being one of only two families in our church affected by this historic event. One of the pastors called and informed us that he and a couple of men were traveling down to our town home to help with the clean-up process and demolition. We were humbled. We were grateful. We were astonished when that group of 2 or 3 men turned out to be a caravan of 35 church members who were plumbers, carpenters, electricians, and so forth.

In a couple of hours, their hard worked saved us thousands of dollars that we would have had to hire out to someone based on all the wreckage. That same day, we met neighbors we had not yet met. We all came together…to love, to reflect, to encourage. We traveled to stay our first night in the provided basement apartment. We were shocked to walk in and find a basket full of gift cards, a stocked pantry and refrigerator, new towels and toiletries, and much more from parents and staff of my school. We cried. We smiled. We sat in awe. Kindness was alive. All of this was what the hands and feet of Jesus looks like. That event changed us, improved us in so many ways. And, it added fuel to my desire to spread kindness…to spread love…to be the light of Jesus wherever possible. The flood was indeed a catalyst for personal reflection, strength building, and positive change. It stirred up the desire to show kindness more often and more intentionally.

Long before the flood, long before I met my husband, Rob, I had the gift of growing up with a mother who embodied love, kindness, hope, and steadfastness. Life was not always an easy road for my mom, but she changed lives with her unwavering ability to show love, whether it be cooking a meal for someone, baking cookies for a neighbor, rocking babies in the church nursery, spending time on her knees for others hurting, or giving grace where others would not have extended it. For me, being kind, showing kindness, and reflecting kindness is a personal mission. I’ve seen what it looks like first hand and I have gaped at its wow factor. I have seen it soft, quiet, and without fanfare, yet beautiful in its unfolding.

I have, unfortunately, also been on the receiving end of hurtful words and snide approaches that I found difficult to overcome, both in my youth and adulthood. These moments in my life have in time developed into a focused desire to dissolve the wounds left from the absence of kindness and turn it around into something positive.

I am also moved at what intentional kindness can do. Do you know the sheer power of intentionally being kind to someone with whom you disagree or are frustrated with repeatedly? Albert Schweitzer stated in one of his writings, “Constant kindness can accomplish much. As the sun makes ice melt, kindness causes misunderstanding, mistrust, and hostility to evaporate.”

Choosing to be kind for the sole purpose of throwing around a little joy also has magnitude. The concept of throwing kindness like confetti is beautiful, life-giving, and breath in its purest form. But remember, you don’t wake up with that kindness confetti in your hand. You have to make a decision to hold it, navigate it, and toss it.

“Kindness is a passport that opens doors and fashions friends. It softens hearts and molds relationships that can last lifetimes.” – Joseph B. Wirthlin

I implore you to think about your responses to people. Hold tight to the notion that words matter, tone affects, actions speak. Take in account the daily need we as flawed humans have for encouragement, affirmation, and a need to smile. Be kind. Not because it is easy, but because it is engulfed in hope and healing. Make the choice. It is my personal narrative that I would rather err on the side of kindness and showing love even if it is unmatched or unwanted. Better to be standing in a pile of confetti than on a barren street where there is no evidence of effort.

Proverbs 3:3-4 The Message (MSG) reads, “Don’t lose your grip on love and loyalty. Tie them around your neck; carve their initials on your heart. Earn a reputation for living well in God’s eyes and the eyes of the people.”